I woke up very early this morning and that is really not like me at all. My mind was racing and I became sad. I've spent so much time "acting" like I have it together (as much as possible) about Baylee, I realized I really don't! I am sooooo scared. I love her so much already but I don't want her to come. I know that sounds strange but as long as she's with me I can keep her safe and "healthy".
I am so scared that I won't be able to handle all of this. I really thought my mama having breast cancer and seeing that, and then being with her when she died was the hardest thing ever but this FEELS worse.
I'm worried that I won't be able to take care of my boys like I need to. I don't want them to feel neglected or unimportant at all. Tyler is 10 so he understands (as much as he can) but Noah is basically attached to me at the hip. He is truly my little buddy. I don't want him to be scared or upset.
I also worry about Adam. It is very true that men and women deal with things very different. I know he's struggling and I try to be there but it is hard. I don't know how to make it better and boy am I a "fixer".
I just pray that God gives me the strength to get through the next few weeks and afterwards!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Bumpy ride....
We've had an eventful week. I had a high risk OB appointment on Tuesday. The triage nurse, Gina, was so nice. She was very helpful at calming my nerves. I was a little anxious because that was my first appointment as a transfer patient. I really liked my old OB but we all agreed that it would be best to go to one office for all my appointments and ultrasounds.
We did the standard stuff, weight, urine check, blood pressure, etc. Then the doctor came in. She asked if we had any questions and I asked her if at any of our previous ultrasounds if they have been able to see any lung tissue. I know that its hard to see but they've never told us about it at all. Her words were, "we wouldn't be able to because of the liver being up there." Ok, wait a minute. Adam and I both looked as if she slapped us in the face. I asked her what she was talking about. She said that Dr. M the doctor that spent 2 minutes with us at the last US had put in her report that the liver was now in the chest cavity. I immediately got upset because Dr. M told us that Baylee was very stable and that nothing had changed from our previous US, it was the stomach and small intestine and then she practically ran out of the room.
Dr. S asked if we wanted her to go look at the pictures from last week. We did. She came back and said to her it looked like bowel not the liver but she couldn't be sure until my next US on the 22nd. I left very upset. Still not sure what to think about it all. I just know at our next US there are going to be a LOT of questions asked.
I woke up yesterday morning having horrible cramping. I called the after hours nurse and she said to reduce activity and monitor it and if it got worse to come in. At 4 I called again and they said to go to the hospital and get checked. About 5 hours later I came home. They checked me, I was about 1 cm but very high. Baylee's heart rate was great and she was so active. They said the cramping was fluid building up again. I just have to deal with it.
On a happy note, Tyler won his class spelling bee. He gets to go to the school spelling bee next Friday. We are very proud!
We did the standard stuff, weight, urine check, blood pressure, etc. Then the doctor came in. She asked if we had any questions and I asked her if at any of our previous ultrasounds if they have been able to see any lung tissue. I know that its hard to see but they've never told us about it at all. Her words were, "we wouldn't be able to because of the liver being up there." Ok, wait a minute. Adam and I both looked as if she slapped us in the face. I asked her what she was talking about. She said that Dr. M the doctor that spent 2 minutes with us at the last US had put in her report that the liver was now in the chest cavity. I immediately got upset because Dr. M told us that Baylee was very stable and that nothing had changed from our previous US, it was the stomach and small intestine and then she practically ran out of the room.
Dr. S asked if we wanted her to go look at the pictures from last week. We did. She came back and said to her it looked like bowel not the liver but she couldn't be sure until my next US on the 22nd. I left very upset. Still not sure what to think about it all. I just know at our next US there are going to be a LOT of questions asked.
I woke up yesterday morning having horrible cramping. I called the after hours nurse and she said to reduce activity and monitor it and if it got worse to come in. At 4 I called again and they said to go to the hospital and get checked. About 5 hours later I came home. They checked me, I was about 1 cm but very high. Baylee's heart rate was great and she was so active. They said the cramping was fluid building up again. I just have to deal with it.
On a happy note, Tyler won his class spelling bee. He gets to go to the school spelling bee next Friday. We are very proud!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
More visits...
I am so bad about posting on time! I really do have good intentions to do it the same day as my appointments but this past week was so OVERWHELMING!
We had a repeat echo on January 7th. Baylee was practicing her gymnastics during the whole thing! They chased and chased her. When they got what they needed she would decide to flip and make them work for it...that's my girl :)
The cardiologists said she saw all four chambers of the heart. She also said that the heart appeared to have developed normally but was displaced to the right due to the hernia. She wasn't able to see the tricuspid valve clearly. She didn't think it was anything wrong at all, Baylee just wasn't making it easy to see anything. Instead of having to come back again she suggested we wait until birth to do an echo (they had planned to anyway)and an ultrasound of her heart.
The next day was my first "official" high risk OB appointment and ultrasound. We scheduled the ultrasound at the Fetal Care Center in the same building as my new OB thinking it would be much more convient...we were soooooo wrong. I am a pretty patient person with waiting at appointments. I understand that people get behind due to various uncontrolled situations but we walked int our US appointment and saw the looks on everyone's faces. They looked like they had been there for months. People kept coming out of the back rooms but no one went in. We waited 2 hours for the US almost missing my OB appointment.
The US tech was very nice and showed us in detail a lot we hadn't ever seen (the actual stomach in the chest). The doctor read the results and said the only change she saw was my fluid levels had stablilzed. They weren't high at all! Baylee's estimated weight was 2 lbs. 11ozs. We're happy with that!
My OB appointment was a not so great experience. I've been a little dizzy all week and I'm pretty sure its my blood pressure so I wanted to see what they would say. No such luck. We met with the nurse that does the new OB visits and went over the EXACT same questions they asked at my former OB's first appointment. Family history, my health history, etc. My charts from my old OB had all that info on them and all she had to do was LOOK! It took forever! They even drew first appointment labs (HIV, CBC, etc) that was done 7 months before!
The real kicker is that she insisted I see the nutrionist because of my gestational diabetes.I was diabetic with Noah and took the entire class on nutrition and managing blood sugars and all of it. I was on insulin with him and I've been on it this time already for 8 months. My blood sugars are better than they've ever been. My weight is good. I really can't add one more weekly appointment to my load!!!!
I never got to see the doctor. I go this week (Tuesday). I have another US on the 22nd. I'm anxious to see how much she weighs!
We had a repeat echo on January 7th. Baylee was practicing her gymnastics during the whole thing! They chased and chased her. When they got what they needed she would decide to flip and make them work for it...that's my girl :)
The cardiologists said she saw all four chambers of the heart. She also said that the heart appeared to have developed normally but was displaced to the right due to the hernia. She wasn't able to see the tricuspid valve clearly. She didn't think it was anything wrong at all, Baylee just wasn't making it easy to see anything. Instead of having to come back again she suggested we wait until birth to do an echo (they had planned to anyway)and an ultrasound of her heart.
The next day was my first "official" high risk OB appointment and ultrasound. We scheduled the ultrasound at the Fetal Care Center in the same building as my new OB thinking it would be much more convient...we were soooooo wrong. I am a pretty patient person with waiting at appointments. I understand that people get behind due to various uncontrolled situations but we walked int our US appointment and saw the looks on everyone's faces. They looked like they had been there for months. People kept coming out of the back rooms but no one went in. We waited 2 hours for the US almost missing my OB appointment.
The US tech was very nice and showed us in detail a lot we hadn't ever seen (the actual stomach in the chest). The doctor read the results and said the only change she saw was my fluid levels had stablilzed. They weren't high at all! Baylee's estimated weight was 2 lbs. 11ozs. We're happy with that!
My OB appointment was a not so great experience. I've been a little dizzy all week and I'm pretty sure its my blood pressure so I wanted to see what they would say. No such luck. We met with the nurse that does the new OB visits and went over the EXACT same questions they asked at my former OB's first appointment. Family history, my health history, etc. My charts from my old OB had all that info on them and all she had to do was LOOK! It took forever! They even drew first appointment labs (HIV, CBC, etc) that was done 7 months before!
The real kicker is that she insisted I see the nutrionist because of my gestational diabetes.I was diabetic with Noah and took the entire class on nutrition and managing blood sugars and all of it. I was on insulin with him and I've been on it this time already for 8 months. My blood sugars are better than they've ever been. My weight is good. I really can't add one more weekly appointment to my load!!!!
I never got to see the doctor. I go this week (Tuesday). I have another US on the 22nd. I'm anxious to see how much she weighs!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Update time...
I should've posted this last week...sorry. I sometimes tend to procrastinate. We had our weekly visit to the high risk OB and ultrasound on Tuesday (12/29/09). Baylee was a little sleepy so she wasn't SUPER active like usual. She is just like me....not a morning person! The good news (we think its good news) is that there has been no change. As far as they can tell its still the stomach and part of the small intestine there. They said everything else looked okay. My fluid level is still a little high but the doctor said it hasn't gotten worse. She's about 2lbs. 4 oz., they said she was in the 47th percentile in growth. She is growing well. My blood pressure was 142/82...its slowly creeping and that worries me a little but I am taking my meds like they told me.
We have a couple appointments this week. We have a repeat ECHO on Tuesday and a high risk OB/US appointment on Wednesday. I'm nervous about the ECHO. I just hope things are still ok with her heart! My grandparents are coming up to babysit Noah (Tyler will be back in school) on Tuesday and my dad is coming to help on Wednesday.
It is soooooo cold here. I think the temperature tonight is suppose to be 14 degrees! I'm going to find something to snuggle!
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Christmas 2009
I really can't believe that Christmas is OVER! It seemed to go so fast! Tyler and Noah had a great Christmas. I love watching them open gifts. Noah enjoyed the way the wrapped presents looked more than actually opening them. He got his first "bike"...a Radio Flyer tri-cycle and Tyler got a retro John Elway jersey (he's worn it for 2 days straight :)
Christmas was also a little emotional for me. I missed being able to go to my family's Christmas dinner but we still had fun. I just try to take it one day...if not one hour...at a time.
I wanted to say a HUGE thank you to the people at Breath of Hope. They sent an awesome "care package" filled with helpful information and afew very cute baby gifts. If you don't know about them check out there website. www.breathofhopeinc.com.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
The Journey Begins....
This is our very first post..hang in there with me, I'm still very new at this! I guess I should start at the beginning. Adam and I have been married for 3 years and we already have 2 wonderful boys but we always joked that there is too much testosterone in our house and we needed a little princess to even things up a little. I found out I was pregnant in August and we were very excited. Things were going very well. No morning sickness at all. That was HUGE for me because I was sick with Noah for MONTHS!!! My OB started me on daily blood sugar checks and eventually insulin pretty early because I had severe gestational diabetes with Noah. Because of that they decided to schedule me for several additional tests just for precautions. I had an anatomy US at 19 weeks and they said everything looked okay but they wanted me to come back because she was still a little small to be able to see what they wanted. I was very relieved because I AM A WORRIER...I try not to but its in my genes. We went on with our daily routines and I even joked that they were being "too cautious."
We went to the follow up US on November 30, 2009 and I never expected anything to be wrong. The US tech was chatty and very nice. I did notice that she got a little more quiet as we went along but I knew something was going on when she said she was going to get the doctor to take a look. The doctor came in and they scanned some more and then she sat down. I think I immediately started to cry before she even said a word...its never good when a doctor sits down to talk to you. She told us that Baylee has a left sided diaphragmatic hernia. I went blank after that and I really can't tell you exactly what she said. I do know she explained to us what that meant and answered some of our questions. I had never heard of CDH and I worked as a CNA on a Women and Children's Unit for almost 4 years. We left the hospital in a daze....I was a WRECK. I am so thankful for Adam, he truly was my rock that day. On the drive home we called our parents and tried to explain to them what CDH was based on what the doctor told us. We all were a little in denial about the seriousness of it all. Adam had to go back to work and he told me not to google CDH (he really knows me) but I did anyway. I really wish I would have listened. I am the type of person that craves information but what I found was very grim and made it even worse for me on that day. Thankfully I found several blogs of CDH babies who have survived despite their struggle.
From that day its been a blur. I had a fetal MRI (one of the worst experiences of my life!),met with our surgeon, had an ECHO,transferred to a high risk OB, had more US, and tried to prepare as much as we can. We have decided to deliver at Forsyth Medical Center, its where I had Noah, and then Baylee will be transferred to Brenner's Children's Hospital. It is part of Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center. We met with Dr. P (the pediatric surgeon) and really felt comfortable with him. He called Baylee by her name instead of "the baby or the fetus".
At my US last week it looks like its her stomach and part of her small intestine that has migrated into her chest. We hope that it stays just that. We are hopeful but trying to be realistic. I am having a hard time dealing with the little things like I can't hold her or I have to stay at one hospital for 24 hours (CSection) and she'll only be a couple miles away but it really bothers me. I know there are far worse things for me to worry about with this but it hasn't hit me completely yet.
We went to the follow up US on November 30, 2009 and I never expected anything to be wrong. The US tech was chatty and very nice. I did notice that she got a little more quiet as we went along but I knew something was going on when she said she was going to get the doctor to take a look. The doctor came in and they scanned some more and then she sat down. I think I immediately started to cry before she even said a word...its never good when a doctor sits down to talk to you. She told us that Baylee has a left sided diaphragmatic hernia. I went blank after that and I really can't tell you exactly what she said. I do know she explained to us what that meant and answered some of our questions. I had never heard of CDH and I worked as a CNA on a Women and Children's Unit for almost 4 years. We left the hospital in a daze....I was a WRECK. I am so thankful for Adam, he truly was my rock that day. On the drive home we called our parents and tried to explain to them what CDH was based on what the doctor told us. We all were a little in denial about the seriousness of it all. Adam had to go back to work and he told me not to google CDH (he really knows me) but I did anyway. I really wish I would have listened. I am the type of person that craves information but what I found was very grim and made it even worse for me on that day. Thankfully I found several blogs of CDH babies who have survived despite their struggle.
From that day its been a blur. I had a fetal MRI (one of the worst experiences of my life!),met with our surgeon, had an ECHO,transferred to a high risk OB, had more US, and tried to prepare as much as we can. We have decided to deliver at Forsyth Medical Center, its where I had Noah, and then Baylee will be transferred to Brenner's Children's Hospital. It is part of Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center. We met with Dr. P (the pediatric surgeon) and really felt comfortable with him. He called Baylee by her name instead of "the baby or the fetus".
At my US last week it looks like its her stomach and part of her small intestine that has migrated into her chest. We hope that it stays just that. We are hopeful but trying to be realistic. I am having a hard time dealing with the little things like I can't hold her or I have to stay at one hospital for 24 hours (CSection) and she'll only be a couple miles away but it really bothers me. I know there are far worse things for me to worry about with this but it hasn't hit me completely yet.
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