6 months already?

Dear Baylee,

Sorry its been a few months since I've written to you. It isn't because I haven't thought about you. You are always in my thoughts. Today has been a hard day and I know tomorrow will be. It will be 6 months since the best and worst day of my life.

I miss you so much still. We finally bought you a grave stone yesterday, I hope you'll like it. Its heart shaped. I think that really says it all....you were loved, you are loved, and you will always be loved. I try to imagine what you would look like now. I know you'd be beautiful.
Love,
Mom

Dear Baylee...

Dear Baylee,

We're coming up on the 5th month of you being in Heaven. Everybody keeps telling me that it gets easier....it does and doesn't. The pain is still there but it doesn't consume my every thought like it did. I'm still very angry. I am TRYING to let that go because I know you wouldn't want that for me. I just miss you so much. I miss what could have been for all of us. We needed another girl in the house, I am way out numbered.

I wonder what you would be like at 5 months old. Sometimes I see a baby that looks about your age and I stare because I want that to be us. They say that someday I will understand why you aren't with me and I hope I do. I really miss you. I know Grandma Doris is taking good care of you for me.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Baylee...

Dear Baylee,
I am struggling a little right now. I miss you so much. Sometimes it's all consuming. Your little cousin was born last night and he is a cutie. He has a head full of hair....just like you! I really want to go to the hospital and meet little Grant but I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I desperately want to hold a baby...my arms ache for you sometimes. I just don't want to make Scotti or Ashley uncomfortable. I am soooo happy for them but I am also a little jealous. You guys were supposed to be play mates. I just can't understand why you're not with me. I miss you. I love you very much!

Mommy

Dear Baylee

One of my goals is to get better at blogging. Sorry :(


Dear Baylee,

I'm gonna state the obvious....I miss you. You're 4 months old and when I close my eyes I can see you. Chubby cheeks, my nose and mouth, your daddy's jet black hair (lots of it!!). I imagine you'd look up at me with the same big brown eyes both of your brother's have. You'd give me real smiles and giggles. You would probably be sick of PINK! Its my favorite color and all I've been able to buy for the past 11 years is blue.
I imagine that you're a good baby because I deserve a non colicky one after the other two, especially Noah! You've got your daddy's outgoing personality already. You truly are his little princess and you would have him absolutely wrapped around your little finger!
Tyler would play it cool because he's almost 11 and playing with babies isn't cool but he'd be very protective of you like he is with Noah. Noah would be absolutely in love with you. He lights up when he sees a baby. He'd be a great big brother.
I really wish I would've have the chance to be your mommy here on earth. The most important things in my life are my babies and its so hard to have to go on without you. You were with me for 35 weeks, 5 days,and 67 minutes and I miss you. I would do it all again just to look at your precious face. It really wasn't enough time. I know that grandma Doris is taking care of you until I get there. She was a wonderful mother to me. I love you so much and I will think of you every day for the rest of my life. I miss you.

Love,
Mommy

Hello and Goodbye...

Baylee Grace McCoy

February 26, 2010

9:11am - 10:18am

7lbs. 18 1/2 in.

I apologize for my complete lack of posting anything. After my last post things sort of went downhill. I was in and out of Forsyth Medical Center. My amniotic fluid levels got really high (almost 55 cm) and they admitted me to do an amnio reduction. I don't want to scare anyone but that was a TOUGH procedure. They were able to drain almost 5 liters of fluid. The fluid kept building due to Baylee's CDH. She didn't have the ability to recycle the fluid because her stomach wasn't in the correct place. After the reduction I had mild contractions so they kept me and decided to monitor me daily. I had daily ultrasounds to make sure she wasn't developing hydrops, which is fluid gathering around her organs. She had fluid causing swelling under her skin but she passed every single biophysical profile with ease. She was a fighter.

I got to go home for about 3 days but I still had to go to have daily ultrasounds and BPPs. Things pretty much stayed the same and they decided to give me a second round of steroids to try and help her lungs if she had to be delivered early (which seemed to be the plan). I had to be admitted again because the steroids would more than likely make my gestational diabetes go crazy and they needed to monitor that and also my fluid levels were rising again.

I spent 24 hours in a labor and delivery room because they put me on an insulin drip and I had to have hourly blood sugar checks. Those horrid beds are not made for sleeping! Through all this I was trying to be a trooper but I broke down a lot. I was very lonely, Adam had to continue to work because he needed to save his time for Baylee's long journey in the NICU. My boys couldn't see me due to the flu restrictions at the hospital and my parents were with them. I prayed and talked to Baylee. I told her how much I loved her and needed her.

I had another amnio reduction at 34 weeks and they sent some of the fluid to check for lung maturity. They were only able to drain about 2 liters because it was so much more painful and Baylee was trying to grab the needle. The test came back immature but on the higher end of the spectrum. We were optimistic.

I continued daily monitoring in and out of the hospital. She was still looking about the same. No fluid under the organs and passing her BPPs. I had to go to the high risk ob for a visit and they told us that they were tentatively planning a time for my csection on Monday (March 1st). I was so nervous but I trusted their judgement. The fluid had started to make her a little sluggish. We left the appointment and went to Cracker Barrel to celebrate and try to wrap our minds around it all. We knew Baylee had a long, tough journey ahead.

My dad was coming that afternoon to take me to my daily ultrasound appointment and the phone rang. It was Dr. Stone. He said he was going over Baylee's ultrasounds and it looked like the fluid might be starting to affect her. He felt like I needed to come in for my ultrasound and BPP and be admitted for a csection the next day. He said I had already had 2 rounds of steroids and 2 amnio reductions and things were only gonna get worse. It freaked me out but I called my step mom and told her and she and my dad were coming right then.

I told Adam and he met us over at the hospital from work and we had the ultrasound. She still looked good. She passed a BPP easily. Dr. Scott came in and said they still thought it was time to do something and they would get me a room on antepartum for the night.

My parents stayed a little while but they had Noah so they had to go and I was left with my thoughts. It was a tough night. I told Adam to stay at home so he could come early because they said the section would be at 8:30 am. I got to eat and take a shower. I remember in the shower I spent extra time looking at my belly. I was SO HUGE. People would ask how many babies I had in there. Baylee had a huge Olympic swimming pool to swim in. The nurse started my IV at around midnight and I tried to sleep.

I woke up very early (5am) on Friday, February 26, 2010 and just layed there. I prayed that Baylee would be strong and be alright. Adam came in at around 6am and tried to get a little sleep in the chair. I could tell he was nervous. Dad and Linda came in a little after that . Then Kim came around 7:30am. I had already signed the papers so the nurse just checked my IV and gave me some horrible antacid to drink. The anesethia people came and then the NICU doctors came in. She told us that they were prepared for Baylee and there would be a lot of people in the room. She said she would be very sick and might not make it. It hit me then. I started to cry because I'm not sure I ever really grasped that. I knew all about CDH but always tried to be positive.

I walked to the wheelchair and took a deep breath. My family followed us to the waiting room and Adam had to wait outside the c section suite to suit up. They wheeled me in and checked Baylee's heart rate . It was 154. They all introduced themselves and told me to hop up on the table. The room is so intimidating. Lights and instruments and people everywhere. I saw the isolate were Baylee would be soon and smiled. they hooked me up to all the monitors and a BP cuff. Then they started my spinal. It took him several tries to get it and it was very unpleasant. I layed down and they called Adam in after they draped me. I started to feel the hot sensation and was numb. Dr. Stone came in with Dr. Leester who is a resident. I didn't freak out when they started like I did with Noah. I felt pressure and the next thing I know she was out. I heard Dr. Stone say she had good tone. They whisked her away to the NICU doctor and I knew through Adam that they were working hard on her. We knew all that with the CDH. She was born at 9:11am and they made the decision that she was stable enough to be transported to the NICU at 9:32am. They came over and told us that the next few hours would be crucial. They wanted Adam to stay with me and they would get him in about an hour to see her. Adam sat at my head and we talked about how pretty she was. The nurse gave me something to relax me because I was very anxious. The phone rang in the room and they told Adam to come to the NICU. I thought great he gets to see her earlier, she must be doing good.

He left and they were finishing up with me and that HORRIBLE phone rang again. The nurse talked with a whisper on it. All the sudden they told me I could go to the NICU. The doctor said that I wasn't stable enough but decided to go with me along with 2 nurses. I was very excited because I didn't expect to get to see her so soon. She must be doing great! They hurried and transferred me to a stretcher and wheeled me on the elevators. I was fighting to stay awake from the calming meds she gave me.

They wheeled me into the NICU and I saw Adam and he was crying. I thought why is he crying. Then some man hugged me and my parents and Kim were there and they all were upset. I was in shock I think. They wheeled me to where Baylee was laying and told me she was going to die. No she is not....she's gonna go to Brenner and be on ECMO to save her. The doctor said she would never make the transport. I could hold her or she could die on the vent. She said hold your baby. I was so confused. They put her in my arms and she was beautiful. Her eyes were closed and her coloring was off but she had a head full of black hair like her daddy. I kissed her and held her and told them to take the tubes out. She looked so peaceful. Her heart rate was holding around 50 or 60 but when I talked to her it went to 120. I believe she knew I was there. I hope so anyway. They took the tubes out and I held her whiled she gained her angel wings. She passed away at 10:18am. She was on this earth for 67 minutes but she is in my heart FOREVER.

Scared

I woke up very early this morning and that is really not like me at all. My mind was racing and I became sad. I've spent so much time "acting" like I have it together (as much as possible) about Baylee, I realized I really don't! I am sooooo scared. I love her so much already but I don't want her to come. I know that sounds strange but as long as she's with me I can keep her safe and "healthy".

I am so scared that I won't be able to handle all of this. I really thought my mama having breast cancer and seeing that, and then being with her when she died was the hardest thing ever but this FEELS worse.

I'm worried that I won't be able to take care of my boys like I need to. I don't want them to feel neglected or unimportant at all. Tyler is 10 so he understands (as much as he can) but Noah is basically attached to me at the hip. He is truly my little buddy. I don't want him to be scared or upset.

I also worry about Adam. It is very true that men and women deal with things very different. I know he's struggling and I try to be there but it is hard. I don't know how to make it better and boy am I a "fixer".

I just pray that God gives me the strength to get through the next few weeks and afterwards!

Bumpy ride....

We've had an eventful week. I had a high risk OB appointment on Tuesday. The triage nurse, Gina, was so nice. She was very helpful at calming my nerves. I was a little anxious because that was my first appointment as a transfer patient. I really liked my old OB but we all agreed that it would be best to go to one office for all my appointments and ultrasounds.

We did the standard stuff, weight, urine check, blood pressure, etc. Then the doctor came in. She asked if we had any questions and I asked her if at any of our previous ultrasounds if they have been able to see any lung tissue. I know that its hard to see but they've never told us about it at all. Her words were, "we wouldn't be able to because of the liver being up there." Ok, wait a minute. Adam and I both looked as if she slapped us in the face. I asked her what she was talking about. She said that Dr. M the doctor that spent 2 minutes with us at the last US had put in her report that the liver was now in the chest cavity. I immediately got upset because Dr. M told us that Baylee was very stable and that nothing had changed from our previous US, it was the stomach and small intestine and then she practically ran out of the room.

Dr. S asked if we wanted her to go look at the pictures from last week. We did. She came back and said to her it looked like bowel not the liver but she couldn't be sure until my next US on the 22nd. I left very upset. Still not sure what to think about it all. I just know at our next US there are going to be a LOT of questions asked.

I woke up yesterday morning having horrible cramping. I called the after hours nurse and she said to reduce activity and monitor it and if it got worse to come in. At 4 I called again and they said to go to the hospital and get checked. About 5 hours later I came home. They checked me, I was about 1 cm but very high. Baylee's heart rate was great and she was so active. They said the cramping was fluid building up again. I just have to deal with it.

On a happy note, Tyler won his class spelling bee. He gets to go to the school spelling bee next Friday. We are very proud!